Friday, June 22, 2012

Past Thoughts

A memory came to me the other day. Just popped into my brain with such clarity that it was hard to believe that I had forgotten about it in the first place.

I was heavily pregnant with Ruby and having a restless night. Tired but unable to sleep. I drifted off into that world between wake and sleep. My thoughts were crystal clear but rambling along with no guidance by me. I was going with the flow. I imagined what it would be like to hold my new baby. I wondered if all other mums imagine the same things. I wondered how mums of sick babies coped. I was only going to stay in hospital for the mandatory 4 hours and then bring my baby home. Hospitals are for sick people. Then I really started wondering what it would be like to have an ill child. Imagine if your baby had to go to that special ward with all those high tech looking cribs. Those poor mums. I wanted to empathise with them. I tried my hardest to image what it would feel like. The stress, the raw fear. And suddenly it was like looking at those 3D pics where you finally see the image pop out. I was suddenly one of those mums. Lying in my warm bed with my baby snuggled safely in my womb, I was transported to a world of emotions that weren't mine but felt so real. I felt the coldness of being scared. The confusion of not understanding what was going on. The desperateness of wanting to hear the words "everything is ok".
I must have finally fallen asleep. In the morning I was thankful that I wouldn't have to worry about anything like that.

Maybe people are right. Maybe I am the right person for this "job". Because I have held myself together. Whether that is healthy or not, I don't know. Probably not healthy, but hey, what can I do about it?

So go ahead CF, throw it all at me. Because you will not crack me. Whatever you put in my daughters way, I will fight. Whatever new twists you turn, I will counteract. I will research, I will evolve, I will advocate and I will keep my daughter as healthy as she can be. You picked the wrong person. I went through all the emotions in the comfort of my own bed, in the safety of it being all in my mind. I can focus all my energy on not making you the focus of all my energy. My family will enjoy life. You are but a nuisance. Ruby may have Cystic Fibrosis but Cystic Fibrosis does not have my Ruby.